I die in my daydreams... [entries|friends|calendar] ...and that's when i'm beautiful. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I'm lying to myself, and this dagger is my excuse... [20 Oct 2004|08:12pm] [ mood | pissed off ] Mmmkay, so I think i'm finally satisfied with the layout ...at least for this week. *grin* On the other hand, dad packed up Gregs stuff today and told him to get the hell out of the house. Greg came and got it, without so much as a "goodbye" ...I hate that homo. I really do. I'd call him a pussy, but ...is that possible? Oh yeah ...and I love muh baby:) Tears

You're a fly, achieved and gone... [19 Oct 2004|05:31am] [ mood | indescribable ] Okay, so here I am once AGAIN ...writing in these damn livejournals, and I thought I had broke this habit ...obviously not.  I guess I just got frustrated with the layouts ...I can never create a pretty one, which is why I have my possee and their ingenius ideas.  So, as of now ...this journal is under constructionnnn, mmmkay?</p> Tears

I am not your savior, but I am crippled with desire... [02 Jan 2004|09:01pm] [ mood | contemplative ] The Window A invisable shield of nothingness, is what keeps me from you... ....from all of the impurities and broken images of the past. A barrier that could be broken, by lust of my own ignorance ....yet leave me with nothing but a mutilated heart, and bloody hands. On hazy moonlit nights in January, I see you standing on the other side. ....I refuse to give you the same bloody hands, that you are not worthy of. Permanent reminders are all around...everywhere I look, and you see them too. ....in my tear stained pillow, my pictures, my scars...and in YOUR head. This window is my sactuary, my comfort, and my will to survive without you. ....I can't see it, but I know it's there...but you, you'll remain transparent. -Tiff (1/1/04) Tears

Softly you whisper, you're so sincere...how could our love be so blind... [31 Dec 2003|03:28am] [ mood | depressed ] The pain is such a release, for a moment...I forget my emotional torment...and focus on the blood surfacing...it's so beautiful...the most beautiful red crimson color you've ever seen. The emotional scars, broken open...and forgotten, just for those few sparse seconds. I am free... Morphine Tears

Right near, the end...and I read..."Maybe when I leave, i'll lead a life less empty..." [19 Dec 2003|05:58pm] [ mood | bored ] Man, I need to get back into the rythm of writing in this thing. Hasn't anything interesting happened lately...and well, I haven't really been depressed. So, nothing to ramble on about. I did see Missy today though, but we forgot to dance...so, we'll have to dance twice next time. *giggles*...I don't know what to say... "Maybe we were waiting, way to long to end this...soap opera story. If you'd accept just half of all these consequences...maybe then, that's when...i'll finally say i'm sorry!" Morphine Tears

I'm a wreck, i'm a mess, i'm a spot on the pavement... [18 Dec 2003|09:28pm] [ mood | cynical ] ---- Untitled ---- Deception through your lips, calls my name...and through lonely words speak the truth... Oh knight of demolished hearts, carrier or broken dreams...let your veneration fall on me... Confide into me your hidden desires of imperfection...your inadmissable passion... Tears

There's a piece of a puzzle known as life...wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight... [16 Dec 2003|06:04pm] [ mood | lonely ] ....Sometimes.... Sometimes I miss him When the days are hot and the rays from the sun beat down on me and the nights are so cold that I can’t feel the slightest bit of my being. Sometimes I miss him When the first star appears in the sky and I am the only one there to wish upon it When the clouds drift over the sun, the rain beats down and all our memories are blown away....again Sometimes I miss him When the silence of being alone swallows me leaving me here in this place and the slightest sound around reminds me of the loving voice I used to know Sometimes I miss him When I fall asleep at night and my mind falls free to dreams when I’m gone to the world is when I’m with you .....Sometimes.....

If looks could kill, you'd be layin' on the floor... [16 Dec 2003|12:47am] "What I want is what... Everyone else doesn’t want me to have They can’t stand the idea... That they aren’t the desirable one. "Go away I tell them... You’ll never be good enough Walk away and bow your head... Like the sickening trash that you are." WORD!...uh huh, ....DEDICATION! BooGyA! -Tiff Tears

What I am to you, is not real...and what I am to you, you do not need... [13 Dec 2003|03:19am] [ mood | Numb ] (3:00am) Where do you begin to explain, when you feel so numb? I'm tired of this feeling...of emptiness, lost under my own surface!!! I just caught myself staring out my window, into the snow...how if falls so beautifully, and is yet...so simple. Is there such a thing as living death?....I feel nothing anymore, I might as well be. I wish I could start over, beautiful....not abused, not abandoned, not....dead. What things would I leave out of my life, so I wouldn't regret it with every waking breath I take....but, yet...how can you regret something, when it's the worst AND best thing that has happened to you? I wonder what it would be like to carry on, to look at life through beautiful uncarrying eyes...welcoming the day...instead of wondering about the what ifs, and nots. will I ever run out of pain?...guilt?...insecurity? Nothing is worth this, trying to save my sanity...my self respect...my vibrance. I might as well drop to my knees, and beg for you to hurt me....inflict this pain on myself....commit my OWN emotional suicide, because YOU don't deserve it...or anything to do with me! Tears

It's bittersweet to look back now, at memories withered on the vine... [12 Dec 2003|06:27pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Lately, everything has just had a way of messing with my head. Just a little bit of advice, never say that it can't get worse...because it surely can, and usually will and who's to say it will EVER get any better?...no one, because they don't know. So hold on, and enjoy the ride...'cause most likely...it'll be a bumpy one. I'm still coming to terms w/ the events that took place on November 17th of this year. You every heard that old 80's song, that goes something like this...**another ones bites the dust...nana**...well, that's exactly what happened. On an old abandoned road out in the middle of nowhere, my friends and I came to an abrubt hault ...smack dab into a tree. Complete and total agony shot through my entire being as I heard and seen everything in slow motion, but not just me...my best friend was injured the most, and she'll most likely need months of therapy...as of now, she's in a wheel chair and it's my fault...and Ray (Heh, wonderful, beautiful, FUCKED UP Ray) seemed to be fine, just worried about fucking me out of a bunch of money... Missy will eventually walk again, but that's not the point, the point is...that I fucked up...and I fucked up bad. I don't think i've ever experienced something so intense in my life, I was out of that car within 3 seconds, after I composed myself together and realized that I could still breathe...screaming for remaining life behind the walls of that smashed piece of junk...both of them replied, thank god...the walk was the worst, not knowing where you are...it's raining, you have no shoes, and don't know what you're gonna find wrong w/ you or your friends when you reach the light. It's the worst kind of hell that you could ever imagine, times 1000. We eventually made it to help, and ended up at the hospital....I never thought i'd be happy to see a hospital bed, but that night I was...I have faith in SOMETHING....there's SOMETHING out there that kept us alive, for we should ALL be dead right now. I had just totalled my pride and joy in late April of this year, and guess who was passenger that time?...*ding ding* If you guessed Missy, you were wrong....it was none other than Ray. OH yes, that's right...you don't know the infamous Ray, but you will in time...as i'm sure this journal will consist of him more than a few times. For he's all I breathe, mostly...and i'm definitely dieing slowly...as that oxygen becomes sparse. Ray is my bisexual ex boyfriend...who I dated and fell in love with...he used and abused me...the dirty little cocksucker that he is, wait ...i'm an oxymoron, because damn me...I do love him. He's an omen though, seems like something bad happens everytime we're around each other...but, who's to say that it's a BAD sign? So, while on the topic of Ray....I haven't talked to him much since the accident...and it'd been exactly 2 weeks today since the last word spoken...and who dings up on my msn?...none other than Ray Reynolds...asking me what was up. I'd like to have told him to go fuck himself, but if you know me at all....that wasn't the case. Sometimes I just want to kill him, and others....I want the memories back...love is bittersweet I guess...or maybe, just bitter? Love is a horrible thing, but lonliness is worse...right about now, I bet I could come up w/ over a hundred names for tears, and no one has a want or care to listen...it's sickening when you understand everyone else, and can't figure your self out...it's a constant battle between heart and intelligence, and to tell you the truth...in the end, I don't know who will win...and it's tearing me apart the entire way... Morphine Tears

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